Listen to understand -not to respond

Debates abound over the best discipline for your child.  I have biological children, adopted children, foster children, and 35 years of pediatric nursing experience but I will not be the one telling you how to discipline your child because every child is different. What works for one child will not necessarily work for another child.  What I can tell you is that the behaviors that your child does that seemingly require discipline are often reactive to something within their environment and not willful disobedience.  A very wise woman (my mother) told me that adult heads do not grow on children’s bodies. We learn through life experiences and the more experiences we have the more we have from which we can draw. 

Reactive vs Responsive parenting

It is a given that a child, when upset, is going to react to whatever the situation is. Often it is not even the situation we see but the situation they perceive. As a result, parenting needs to be responsive not reactive. Your teenager comes in and slams a chair across the room (not at you). Instinctively most of us would react with “What in the world” or “you’re grounded” or “you can just get yourself over there and pick that up”.

Responsive parenting takes a different approach. The responsive caregiver momentarily ignores the behavior and focuses on the reason behind the behavior. For example; “You seem upset, what is going on?” Immediately you have shown that you are more concerned about them than their actions or your things. This sets an environment of compassion and caring.  

Sometimes you will get shut down at this point with such statements as “you wouldn’t understand” or why would it matter to you”. This gives you the opportunity to tell them that they are important and how they feel is important but that you understand if it isn’t something they want to talk about right now.  This gives them permission and opening to come back and talk to you when they are better able to express their feelings. Other times you have an opportunity to talk immediately and you open a flood gate of emotional turmoil that can be addressed rather than stifled. This often provides for a healthier emotional state for your child.

Control yourself – not your child

It is not unreasonable to ask that the chair be picked up or even to pick up the chair. It is not right or wrong to have consequences for throwing the chair. The difference is that the focus is on the motivation for the behavior rather than the behavior itself. In order to be a responsive rather than a reactive parent(caregiver)we must be able to control our reactions and respond to the needs of our children. This is at the core of good parenting.